stop me if you've heard these before

lord humphrey had a pet white mouse and when he wasn't shooting grouse he whiled away the night and day engaging the rodent in repartee in the parlor of his ancient house lets go sit in the park all day until it gets dark it it rains we won't care it's the answer to the flowers prayer and it won't even leave a mark sister sophie, a modest young nun decided to soak up some sun when her discarded habit was eaten by a rabbit she cried 'i'll be a daughter of a gun!' a temperance lady named june busted up the local saloon with her mighty truncheon she destroyed the free luncheon and the drunkards warm cocoon a postal inspector named sage was on the lookout for gage when a package came by he said, if this only contains some good spliff i could make a living wage a bear and an antelope went into the park to grope when an evil park ranger named murdock t granger sold them some very bad dope josie's kitty climbed a tree because it wanted to be free perched below the topmost leaf it looked down with pure relief at josie's weeping misery all humans are the same all humans are insane they pretend to be civilized but that is just a bunch of lies as they walk in the devils rain mary jones washed rich folks sheets and her daughter walked the streets and made more money in fifteen minutes than mary in her whole life - that's sad isn't it? listen to the rain as it beats listen to the rain as it beats on the windows and in the streets it swirls and falls it murmurs and calls listen to the rain as it beats

poem from an old typewriter, with translation

jtrew kirw o;pt vey u ynn ge u gtp liujtre bytrew t i juntr eqwq hytewqo ytr dseiu gtre poy e h r njhytrews poljuytred wsoyr4cdsaq ik t poiltrewq cfpiuytr gyh kiuy ,iu7gbfewr p ku wqb miyte iy oitreqbu ly te i threw a potato on the part of the omelette that needed help you younguns need to get a grip the future will be held hostage by truth the junta will hide the jewels among the elephants your true desires have long necks every hollow representation bestrews the news pollination - that's the word why, so your four cadets have deserted the good cause there's that word again - very chewable get your kinesis here - not there i understand there will be seven fewer for dinner please correlate your walpurgisnachts mightly likely i thought i heard the overpass call my name

outside my window

please connect each dot but suppress all evil thought though you be deaf dumb and blind the master can read your mind and knows who you are and are not a mathematician named mope surveyed the world without hope when he added up the sum his brain grew numb and he fell down a slippery slope a necromancer named nowling was fond of candlepin bowling when the game grew obsolete tears fell at his feet and the dark streets he began trolling an orotund opossum named ole could not escape a wormhole as he waited to lose weight he bewailed his fate and wished he'd played a better model role a panda named prester john surveyed the parthenon pondering its ancient graces and vanished noble faces he could not suppress a yawn a queen named coralie from a distant galaxy was allergic to living creatures and on planets without features she quietly sipped her tea a robust rover named roy was a very boisterous boy he crashed through jungles and savannas and mopped his brow with silk bandannas as he jangled with juvenile joy the sultan of s---------- was slow to develop witty bon mots he stood at his window for hours sadly surveying the flowers because he had nowhere to go a wily warmonger named wedd each night when he went to bed put a nuclear warhead or two inside his boot or his shoe so he wouldn't wake up dead letters form into words and fly away like birds over an endless expanse of high adventure and true romance and restless wandering herds