overheard

"urban sophisticates have a fondness for such stuff."

what was amanda like?

"vicious, if you ask me."

danny's dream

just when danny thought things couldn't get any worse, mr deever came straight down the aisle at him.
"what have we here, young fellow? more of this modernistic chicanery? what do you hope to accomplish, eh? what is to become of you?"
"please sir, i aspire to become a platter-spinning dj."

nebuchadnezzar's dream

nebuchadnezzar, emperor of the universe, sat on his throne looking out through the broken walls of his palace at his spaceship, burning like a fiery furnace.
a chimp, a clown and a dervish danced around the upturned table on which the wedding feast had been set.
"i want my kingdom back."

the end of the affair

"get out of the car."
"is it all over between us?"
"you got that right."

the presumptuous magicians

"quite right, your majesty. these magicians have no business casting spells on your slaves. they will be sacrificed forthwith to the god qaroq."

the departure

king krogold, weary of carousing and feasting , snuck out of the castle one night with only the clothes on his back.

resting place

"let me take care of it, boss.  i know just where to dump this character"

" where is that, my boy?"

"behind mike's old warehouse out on avenue q."

the elephant

johnny smith had a big elephant and he loved to hose it down.  but sometimes he just couldn't stop.

in the crater

"zero hour, sir"
the squad was hunkered down in the last crater .
"we'll give them thirty-five more seconds"
"very good."
the clown began to cry, the nun began to laugh.
suddenly they heard a loud buzz.

return part 2

bbbbbbbbbbbbb ooooooooooooooooooo yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy am i tired

return

boy

am i tired.  just got back.

standing on the corner

snow pizza

i hadn't seen my mom in years, or thought about her much, so i was a little surprised when she showed up at the house. she had two new kids, a guy and a girl in their twenties. the guy was a big dufus, the girl ordinary looking with little squinty eyes. i didn't get their names
i had other things on my mind. i had a great new job, delivering pizza. i was going to deliver my first one. it looked kind of pale for a pizza, and was floating around on the plate. i went out the door and down the street, and it started to snow. i decided to go back in the house and cover it up and warm it up - i still had plenty of time.
while i was waiting i got into a conversation with someone, aunt somebody or maybe my mom - it was kind of strange, her coming back after all those years. then it was time to go. i went to get the pizza and my dufus new half-siblings had EATEN HALF of it!!

OH NO! what was i going to do! my first day on the job, my first delivery and i messed it up! i looked around, there was no way to cook another half a pizza on time! i was so embarassed! i really needed this job! it was over before it began! i looked at the phone. it looked back at me.

von helsing and snow white at the purple mountain

"dracula is not dead"

charlemagne and the egg, part 1

charlemagne, the greatest hero of christendom, was riding along one day on his biggest and most favorite white horse, when he saw a magician in a blue tuxedo standing in the road.
"sire", cried the magician, "i have here the egg of a roc"

gold in the wind

rapunzel looked out the window and saw:
a green monkey with a white sport coat
a blue baboon with a red carnation
an orange lemur with black spats
"rapunzel, rapunzel, let down your hair"

the end of eddie

"eddie won't be back around any time soon"
"you mean he's done for, a goner, a goniff, he has had the course?"
"that is correct, luv."

the assault

"quickly, men !' the major looked back,waited for the platoon to catch up.
captain harsdale came wheezing up the hill.
" get yourself in better kit, captain. but you did well, very well to inform me of this situation. now let's move, we can't wait all night on this rascal."

outside

"leave me alone, you lascivious lobo!", cried little lil.

in the mist

"perhaps you gentlemen remember the raj"

the prize

"go for it,george!", cried colonel granger. 'you've got it in the bag!"

the roaring fire

"did you ring, sir?"
"of course i rang, whitcomb, who the devil else would have rung?"
'and what would you like,sir?"
'i'd like to be prime minister."
"let me rephrase that,sir, what can i get for you at this very moment?"
"the fire down below"

the celebration

"yippee! yippee!" young mrs chandler danced wildly around the room.
mrs harker smiled tolerantly. "it is a very special day."

it begins

"zeppelins have been spotted over paris, sir"
general marchand lit a cigarette.
"very well, clear the area"

the end times

"so these are the sort of fellows they bring me, - that they expect me to defend an empire with." darl krogar muttered. "you , what sort are you?"
"the sort of fellow who goes into the lane, stops and pops,sir"
" and you?"
"i do my best work in the paint, boss"

23 wazoo

"surely you fellows are familiar with the magical properties of the number 23?"
major baxter stirred in his armchair. " a load of rubbish!"

frank's return

"but i thought frank was gone' geoffrey shook his head.
"claudio just won't give up. he's got the media all stirred up again"
'we have to move on. i can't be bothered with frank"
'you have to give me some help"
'amanda, just do your job'.

albert's new friend - or toy

"come here, albert. look at this."
"what is it?"
" a creature.'
"can i do anything i want with it?"
'yes, but you'll have to pay a tax.'

mysterious disappearance of frank

"frank's not here, he hasn't been here for over twenty years."
geoffrey put down the phone. he looked dispensive.
"who was that?", hildegarde asked smartly.
"frank's old lover boy. he just doesn't give up, does he?"
"that clock - it isn't really quartz - it's ormolu,"

happy guy

i'm afraid you're useless too me, quite useless

wow! looks like they got us good this time!

suppose

suppose you saw the raindrops
but never saw the rain
suppose you heard the screaming
but never saw the pain

suppose you saw the waves
but never saw the ocean
suppose you went to see mama roo
but never saw the potion

suppose jesus, buddha and satan
were siamese twins
suppose wagner, strauss and hank williams
were only in the dollar bins

suppose god lit a cigarette
and stubbed it out on earth
suppose you found blackbeard's treasure
and no one knew what it was worth

fire in the forward hold

untitlrd

poem

empty shadows fade away
at the close of summer's day
a thousand gods i'd gladly thank
if i could stay upon this bank
forever - that is not to say

willies in the snowbank, part 1

12 poems

a drunken derelict named dred
wore a red sox cap on his head
as he dozed off in snowbanks
he dreamingly gave thanks
for big papi, manny, yaz and ted

the world is full of folks
alike as egg yolks
they reach for the skies
with stars in their eyes
they are really just sorry blokes

a gent named henry (not harry) potter
was in love with the beautiful daughter
of the president of the united states
he stood outside the white house gates
his brain turned to bottled water

madame x, an evil procuress
sang every sunday in the chorus
she heard the vicar and sexton say
we know you really pray
to satan - just don't bore us

yolanda, a zulu maid
was ashamed of her body i'm afraid
to desire she was dead
and turned her gaze to heaven instead
as she sat in the cool shade

lord humphrey had a pet white mouse
and when he wasn't shooting grouse
he whiled away the night and day
engaging the rodent in repartee
in the parlor of his ancient house

having gone to the well once too often
a drunkard named dan tried to soften
the ire of his wife
by giving her the beating of her life
but ended up wheezing and coughing

an avid accountant named jones
lost his job, house and home
when his employer chanced to discover
he was talking to a demon lover
all day on the telephone

sister sophie, a modest young nun
decided to soak up some sun
when her discarded habit
was eaten by a rabbit
she cried 'i'll be a daughter of a gun!'

a disgruntled gambler named hall
decided he couldn't win them all
he picked up his ball
and went to the mall
his buddies said, he's got some gall

young george washington sat in a tree
surveying sad humanity
he rolled his eyes
at their pathetic lies
and thought,this is the planet for me

all humans are the same
all humans are insane
they pretend to be civilized
but that is just a bunch of lies
walking in the devils rain

do you really think so?

a long time

its been a long time but there is no rain except on the streets

my friend hassan

there is nobody named hassan in this village

free

sometimes i
think i'd like

to go far
away, far

away, where
no one has

ever gone
before, and

then i'll be
free, yes then

i will be
truly free

my momma wanted me to be a preacher man

how could such a thing happen?

throb

the beach throbbed with life
charlene spread suntan lotion on herself
danny leaned on the rail thinking he'd like to spread the suntan lotion on charlene's toes
eddie leaned on the counter of the fish and chip shack wishing he was selling more fish and chips

frank sat in his chevy looking out at the waves
gog looked down and said hey that's not half bad
half bad said magog i think it's pretty pathetic
i could do better if you just gave me a chance

jesse james couldn't save this bunch
king johnson drove up in his el dorado
love spread its light over the landscape
mighty fine

never forget this moment, jennifer
an octopus suddenly appeared in the water
pennies of panic fell from heaven
quit while you're ahead = humans

rita adjusted the strap on her bikini top
suddenly a gang of manichean christ deniers appeared on the horizon
terror totally erupted when an albigensian mob landed in rubber rafts up in the sky lightning flashed

vice and virtue were horribly entangled
when you lose your daddy
expect the police to come knocking at your door
you'll never know what hit you

zeros are beyond counting
all your sins are washed away
the beach was deserted
charlene put her suntan lotion and her towel and her radio in her bag