stop me if you've heard these before

lord humphrey had a pet white mouse and when he wasn't shooting grouse he whiled away the night and day engaging the rodent in repartee in the parlor of his ancient house lets go sit in the park all day until it gets dark it it rains we won't care it's the answer to the flowers prayer and it won't even leave a mark sister sophie, a modest young nun decided to soak up some sun when her discarded habit was eaten by a rabbit she cried 'i'll be a daughter of a gun!' a temperance lady named june busted up the local saloon with her mighty truncheon she destroyed the free luncheon and the drunkards warm cocoon a postal inspector named sage was on the lookout for gage when a package came by he said, if this only contains some good spliff i could make a living wage a bear and an antelope went into the park to grope when an evil park ranger named murdock t granger sold them some very bad dope josie's kitty climbed a tree because it wanted to be free perched below the topmost leaf it looked down with pure relief at josie's weeping misery all humans are the same all humans are insane they pretend to be civilized but that is just a bunch of lies as they walk in the devils rain mary jones washed rich folks sheets and her daughter walked the streets and made more money in fifteen minutes than mary in her whole life - that's sad isn't it? listen to the rain as it beats listen to the rain as it beats on the windows and in the streets it swirls and falls it murmurs and calls listen to the rain as it beats

poem from an old typewriter, with translation

jtrew kirw o;pt vey u ynn ge u gtp liujtre bytrew t i juntr eqwq hytewqo ytr dseiu gtre poy e h r njhytrews poljuytred wsoyr4cdsaq ik t poiltrewq cfpiuytr gyh kiuy ,iu7gbfewr p ku wqb miyte iy oitreqbu ly te i threw a potato on the part of the omelette that needed help you younguns need to get a grip the future will be held hostage by truth the junta will hide the jewels among the elephants your true desires have long necks every hollow representation bestrews the news pollination - that's the word why, so your four cadets have deserted the good cause there's that word again - very chewable get your kinesis here - not there i understand there will be seven fewer for dinner please correlate your walpurgisnachts mightly likely i thought i heard the overpass call my name

outside my window

please connect each dot but suppress all evil thought though you be deaf dumb and blind the master can read your mind and knows who you are and are not a mathematician named mope surveyed the world without hope when he added up the sum his brain grew numb and he fell down a slippery slope a necromancer named nowling was fond of candlepin bowling when the game grew obsolete tears fell at his feet and the dark streets he began trolling an orotund opossum named ole could not escape a wormhole as he waited to lose weight he bewailed his fate and wished he'd played a better model role a panda named prester john surveyed the parthenon pondering its ancient graces and vanished noble faces he could not suppress a yawn a queen named coralie from a distant galaxy was allergic to living creatures and on planets without features she quietly sipped her tea a robust rover named roy was a very boisterous boy he crashed through jungles and savannas and mopped his brow with silk bandannas as he jangled with juvenile joy the sultan of s---------- was slow to develop witty bon mots he stood at his window for hours sadly surveying the flowers because he had nowhere to go a wily warmonger named wedd each night when he went to bed put a nuclear warhead or two inside his boot or his shoe so he wouldn't wake up dead letters form into words and fly away like birds over an endless expanse of high adventure and true romance and restless wandering herds

blues in the night

i awoke to the words in my head and they said we are only words and words are only memories and memories are only stories and stories are all the same and are all untrue a rag a bone and a hank of hair a mothers prayer a step upon a crea>king stair a whisper to beware a princess in a tower a guardsman at a gate a messenger arriving a moment too late the panhandler you ignored on a rainy night who turned out to be jesus christ but he forgives you it's what he came for the water is deep go back to sleep the army of light will defeat the forces of darkness do they not do it every night? a new princess will wait in a new tower more beautiful than ever with a more faithful guard who will try so hard to repel the invader next time

value

the monkey chased the elephant down the empty highway he finally cornered him in the back lot of an abandoned walmart you have cost me a lot, said the monkey and i hate to do this to you but you have too much value what is cost, asked the elephant and what is value as the monkey brought the ruby encrusted statue of the virgin (or maybe it was vishnu or lenin or sarah palin) down on his head the elephants last thought was but i'm bigger than he is

away in the soadfo

this was inspired by this post about word verification on jon parsons' blog "a blade of grass" the words in red were generated by blogger's word verification gadget the words in blue were the "comments" used to prompt the word verification "yikes", exclaimed albert as the soadfo started spreading across the road. "zounds!", echoed colonel bankwait from the back seat as he peered over albert's shoulder. "i'll get the geril out of the trunk." "that sounds like a bit of all right ," miss carpenter-st john agreed. "but i would feel better if we had some nognan ." it was certainly a sight to behold . the colonel had to carefully restep back and forth over the spreading soadfo , as he gingerly made his way to the trunk of the caleflay . "if i only had a mopsp , to cover my face with. " he muttered, considering his chances. it was a definitive moment. "can he get trichona from that stuff?" miss carpenter-st john peered cautiously out the periscope of the caleflay . "or is it exponentially , too early to say?" "this might be an estorik occasion," miss goldenday, seated besde albert in the front seat, observed. she looked fabulous . "oh, oh," albert said. "the pirkili is leaking out of the engine. i will have to get out myself and put some vessiste on the hull to seal it." "be careful," said miss goldenday. "we wouldn't anything to happen to you." "especially," added miss carpenter-st john, " as you are the only one who knows how to fix this organism. it's more complicated than the metabolism of an ahrestri ." "i hope we don't have ahrestried development," said miss goldenday. "but look - the sun is setting. it looks gorgeous ." "as you do yourself, miss," albert noted. he took a humungous pousn and and an incandescent madin out of the glove compartment and carefully opened the door of the caleflay and stepped out into the road. he noted some jellyfish floating in the spreading soadfo . albert actually had no idea how to fix the caleflay . he wasn't even sure how to open the hood, or if the hood could be opened. this is going to be one kinesthetic experience, he told himself. suddenly an acculai flew up out of the soadfo and fastened itself on to his neck. miss goldenday shifted her lissome form over into the drivers seat of the caleflay and gazed out the window at albert's form writhing on the ground. "is that an acculai , or a suregai ?" asked miss carpenter-st john. "i don't know but i sure feel sorry for the gai ," answered miss goldenday. meanwhile colonel bankwait had done a masterful job of getting to the trunk of the caleflay but had been unable to get it open and get the geril . he was pounding on the rear door for miss carpenter-st john to let him back in. miss carpenter-st john nodded noddingly to miss goldenday. "should we let him in? it doesn't look like he accomplished his mission" "i think he has a flask of diespe in his back pocket," said miss goldenday opportunistically . "let's give him a chance to redeem himself."

the wanderer

icy lights behind black glass. come on buddy, you have to go someplace else can i stay until i finish my candy bar let's go - now! i went to harvard, i'm a teacher at berkeley the candy bar's made of coconut it will freeze and break my teeth, all right make it hard on me, do you really want to make me fill out a report and take you downtown in this weather? then i won't be your friend any more i went to harvard. i'm a science professor at berkeley berkeley is three thousand miles away i know, i.m waiting for the bus, but i lost my ticket, and besides, you are not a real cop, just a transit cop, oh just a transit cop, and this is what, your private bed room, icy lights. sudden blast of air goodbye. lost my ticket

wichita

he told me the saddest sttory i ever heard - went to the track, lost his whole welfare check, on the way back, he gets stopped, gets a ticket for speeding

arnold

the terminator was at the uc cinema i thought it might be good for a laugh got there early they were waiting for me my fellow arnold fans with open mouths thick glasses and scraggly beards giants caps on backwards field jackets stuffed with candy bars and stephen king novels a chill passed through me and i continued on down university avenue to serendipity books to buy a nice book of poetry but who was i kidding? i was one of them they were my brothers

pirates

i had a dream last night i wasn't in it myself it was a movie about pirates they had a green flag with a gray rat on it it was the best movie i've seen in 20 years i wish i could remember it better i'd tell you all about it